Courage to be Disliked

Part 1: Deny Trauma

I just started reading the book, “The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi. The book is structured as a series of conversations between a young man and a philosopher whose teachings are rooted in the psychology of Alfred Adler. I am also reading Determinism by Robert Sapolsky. It is fascinating to read them simultaneously because they offer completely opposing perspectives. The first part of “The Courage to Be Disliked” would be entirely rejected by Sapolsky, as one who argues against free will while the other does not. They offer vastly different views on the nature of happiness. According to Adler, the past does not matter. It’s about setting goals and finding the courage to be happy. In the first section of “The Courage to Be Disliked”, the author states that trauma does not exist. When the young man asked, "Wait a minute! Are you denying the existence of trauma altogether?" the philosopher responds adamantly, "Yes, I am." To me, his viewpoint belongs to someone living in a very large, entitled bubble. I will continue to explore.

Part 2: International Relationships

In an odd way, Ichiro Kishimi’s The Courage to Be Disliked is a call to wake up and stop blaming others for our situation. In Part 1, Kishimi argues that trauma doesn’t exist. Perhaps I’m projecting, but I suspect he knows trauma is real and simply believes we shouldn't focus on it. Since he never explicitly acknowledges the reality of trauma in the book, I can't be sure. In Part 2, the author discusses feelings of inferiority and superiority, and the need to refrain from competition. I certainly agree with those points—it’s a no-brainer that competition is the enemy of positive interpersonal relationships. I have no issues with his stance here; life is inherently about connection, friendship, and love. I agree that life is defined by our work, friendships, and romantic relationships, and that power, competition, and anger only inhibit those efforts.

Part 3: Tasks

According to Kishimi, Adlerian psychology denies the need for external recognition. There is no reason to seek validation from others, as doing so subjects people to a "reward-and-punishment" philosophy that stifles authenticity and steers them toward living for others rather than themselves. Who would want that? Kishimi further argues that all interpersonal conflict stems from people intruding upon one another’s tasks. Ultimately, the only thing within your control is to choose the path that is best for you. When you commit to your own path—your own "task"—your relationships naturally become lighter and less burdened. Toward the end of Part 3, I gained clarity on the author’s perspective regarding trauma. As he described his strained relationship with his father, his view of trauma crystallized. He used Adler’s methods not to negate the reality of his past, but as a framework—much like a religious practice—to overcome his negative experiences. In a sense, it functions like the concept of being "born again" in the Bible.

Part 4: Center of the World

In this chapter, I agree with the author’s stance on physical punishment, but I struggle with his position on praise. He insists that we should neither praise nor rebuke others. However, I believe that offering praise and occasionally informing someone when they are in the wrong remains a healthy, necessary part of human interaction. The author contends that saying “Good job” creates an unconscious hierarchical relationship. I have to wonder if he has children; it is entirely natural to offer praise, comfort, and compliments to friends and loved ones. Celebrating another person’s efforts is a genuine act of connection. While the author views all praise as a form of manipulation, most people offer it sincerely. Unless we are dealing with a sociopath, praise is rarely a tool for control. Furthermore, the author’s proposed alternative—"encouragement"—strikes me as a distinction without a difference.

He suggests that in a horizontal relationship, we should offer gratitude instead of praise—for example, telling a partner, “That was a big help,” or thanking a child for washing dishes to encourage their recovery. To me, these examples are forms of praise. I fail to see how they differ from the very concept he claims to reject. Ultimately, navigating relationships requires the ability to address mistakes or improper behavior without necessarily resorting to a “rebuke.” Celebrating another person’s efforts is not just natural; it is essential to building and maintaining meaningful bonds.

Part 5: Here & Now

In this final episode, the author addresses the paralyzing fear of risk-taking; fear of appearing foolish in the eyes of others. In reality, most people are far too preoccupied with themselves to notice. This anxiety ultimately stems from a fear of being one's authentic self. To overcome it, we must cultivate genuine self-confidence and self-acceptance. Furthermore, fostering healthy interpersonal relationships requires an unwavering self-acceptance, even when others act deceitfully. By embracing who we are and focusing solely on what we can control, we recognize that the actions of others—including their attempts to take advantage—are their responsibility, not ours.

The author then shifts perspective to advise us to live only in the present moment. Adults who lose sight of this strategy, often attempt to impose "linear" expectations, suggesting that following conventional paths is the only way to achieve happiness. Instead, the author proposes that we should live as if we are dancing. In a dance, the movement itself is the purpose, not the destination. When we adopt this mindset, we realize that life is complete in every moment. By treating life as a dance rather than a race, we stop viewing the present as a stepping stone toward future goals. Ultimately, these two concepts are inextricably linked. When we anchor ourselves in self-acceptance, we become free to inhabit the present moment fully. By releasing the fear of others' judgments and abandoning the frantic pursuit of an arbitrary finish line, we transform life from a source of anxiety into a more meaningful experience.

Conclusion

I still find the author’s denial of trauma baffling and somewhat entitled. Yet, he offers a practical framework for overcoming, rather than erasing, the past. I agree with the necessity of abandoning competition and avoiding the search for external validation; however, I reject his dismissal of praise. I view praise as an expression of genuine appreciation—a natural and essential element of human connection—rather than merely a form of manipulation. Overall, The Courage to be Disliked offers many valuable strategies for seeking happiness and self-acceptance. By embracing these ideas, we can stop viewing life as a competition and instead experience it as a meaningful "dance" in the present moment. By taking responsibility for our own tasks and living fully, we can achieve true personal freedom